9/19/11

Well. It's confirmed. The tumor in Olivia's eye is, in fact, a retinoblastoma. It is cancer. This confirmation was not all together shocking, as we were told to expect this last week. And we did, we expected it. But. The cancer appears to have spread. We did not expect that. We aren't sure to what extent yet. We will stay in Seattle until Wednesday when an EUA (another kind of eye exam under anesthesia) will be performed, have met with the surgeon and oncologist to decide what steps are to be taken next. But it seems that both removal of her left eye and chemo therapy will be the course of action. I am alternating between an overwhelming calm and uncontrollable tears. I in no way feel numb or in denial. But rather like I am feeling absolutely everything. All the calm, anger, sadness, peace, strength, fear, confidence, and despair that has ever been inside me waiting to surface and coming all at once. I can't make sense of it, but I'm not sure that I should at this point. To try to make sense of any of this at this point could be my undoing and I won't allow it. Please, please, please, continue to pray for Olivia and my sweet family. I physically feel the strength and love and prayers being said like they are tangible things and they are literally carrying me through this. I will update soon. Much love to all, those I know and the many, many that I don't.