13 Pavements

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Just Words

Okay...so.   I disappeared.  Again.  Sorry about that.  But here's the thing.

I had a baby and then we moved and we worked ridiculous amounts this summer and we bought a house and we were at the hospital and my husband is in school and my baby doesn't sleep and doesn't sleep and never sleeps and...well...

Basically it just sounds like a bunch of excuses.  Which it is.  But the truth is, I got a little lost the last few months.  No, that's not right. I got swallowed up in some weird personal issues and they ate me alive. The light in me went out for awhile.  Call it a funk, call it postpartum depression, call it buyers remorse.  The fact of the matter was I was not me.  I did a pretty good job of hiding it.  Maybe a tiny handful of people around me knew what was happening to me.  I couldn't find my way out for awhile and I was so confused by it.  The details of it aren't important, really.  I had some serious image issues, I've been badly hurt by a few friends the last few months, and my heart so achingly tender.  I just felt wounded.  Much of the damage I did myself and the rest of the damage was done and I could hardly defend myself.

Thankfully the clouds have parted and in a moment of clarity I realized I needed to feel that way about myself in order to change.  I needed to feel lost so that I could find myself again.  I'm painting a little.  I'm writing a little.  I'm drawing a little.  I'm making plans to finish my last year of school.  I'm actually doing these things. I somehow became just an observer in my own life.  But I'm not going to do that anymore.  I'm making changes, things that have been a long time coming.  And I feel good.  I'm still a little bit lost.  But I'm happy.

I'll be around more.  I made a few promises about writing and keeping this up, and I fully intend to keep those promises.

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