13 Pavements

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

2 Years

This week it's been two years since Olivia's cancer diagnosis.

I think about that and I have to stop and catch my breath. Two years.  Was it really that long ago?  But also didn't it just happen?  The whole thing still causes me a great deal of anxiety.  Mostly because I know that the depths of my gratitude to everyone who helped us was and has not been totally felt.  Know that if you reached out to us, helped us, donated, supported, prayed for, lit a candle for, hoped for us...we felt it.  And we could not have done it without you. 

Last month at her EUA, her doctor's officially declared her cancer free, in complete remission,  and she is basically out of the woods for any re-occurrence of retinoblastoma, chances being next to zero of that happening! I held her in post-op and together we offered up a prayer of gratitude. We walked out of the hospital feeling light, happy, and grateful. On the road of this 13q deletion we are on, this has been a long stretch of it.  We know, and we were reminded that day, the very strong chance that cancer of some kind will come again.  But for now, it's not.  And we are ok with that.

Right now, Liv is back in school.  It's a good place for her to be.  The structure is good.  The support is good.  Her therapists are good.  Her being in school is hard for me (different reasons, different post) and I'm trying to figure out a balance of what she needs, what's good for her, and what's good for Cole.  When we decided to have a second child, I was very conscious of the fact that I never wanted that child to suffer or feel neglected because of Olivia's special circumstances.  I haven't figured it out yet.  I haven't found that balance. And more often than not I am doing the wrong thing.  It seems like there is always some new little "thing" that throws us for a loop with Liv.  Something always keeping us slightly off balance.  And it's incredibly frustrating. It affects both my children. And sometimes it feels like no one gets it.  Is that a horrible thing to say? I don't mean it that way.  I have a few friends who understand what I mean, who don't judge, and they know where I'm coming from.  And although my husband gets it, he is such a glass half full kind of guy that sometimes it feels like I am the only one seeing what is actually happening and what is going to happen.
I suppose that's not really the point though.  My husband would argue that I just need to step back and deal with today.  Enjoy today.  Embrace the periods of time when there aren't all these new problems to deal with.  Just be in the now. 
I need to do that.  I'm trying to do that. This girl.  She is so happy.  And Cole is just like her.  They are such good natured, loving, sweet kids.  I'm going to do it.  I'm going to focus on today more, unplug more, engage more, absorb more.  Brandon and I often feel like our time with her is borrowed.  I don't want to regret my time with my kids.  Ever.  And I'm going to do my best to not worry about that.
Because life right now?  It's pretty darn good.

No comments:

Post a Comment