13 Pavements

Sunday, January 29, 2012


So.  We had this plan.
Then we started working on this plan.
And then the plan started to happen!
And it was like a musical all week long!
And then suddenly, it just wasn't going to work out.
And it is over (for now).
And it hurts my heart a little bit.
Or a lot.

Things for us haven't so much been a roller coaster as they have been just all over the place with no consistency or rhyme or reason.  I'm still working on me.  I'm trying. I am. It's been difficult to navigate the vast and intense emotions that still seem to dominate our lives.  I struggle, more than anything, with the constant unknown about 13q Deletion and how it is going to affect everything about our lives, every decision we make, every plan we have....just every little thing.  And it scares me.  And it consumes me.  And I feel like every time I look at Olivia, I hear a ticking sound like clock and I'm running out of time.... until the next thing...the next hurdle.  Brandon and I have talks about her future that no parent should ever have to have.

And it's a horrible way to be thinking.

I am proactively trying to change my way of thinking and how I approach motherhood and even being a wife.  Things are simultaneously wonderful and so hard and I've realized my attitude and my efforts aren't what I want them to be.  Still.   And I'm so disappointed by this, I can't even begin to tell you the depth of it.  It feels like the one step forward, two step back...or even one step forward, one step back.  So ultimately what I'm doing, all my efforts, all my failures are keeping me at a stand still.  I am painfully aware of the stand still. 

Trying to make progress, trying to fix all the damage and hurt that has been done in the last several months is a painstakingly slow process.  I told The Husband yesterday that I am so done with our life being about hospitals, cancer, doctors, genetic issues, waiting and what ifs. Between that and his school and me running a business, it leaves little time to do anything or talk about much else.  He told me that its okay, because that IS what our life is right now, that it won't always be this way, and to keep myself in the moment.  Oh, the moment.  It's really hard to stay there.   I realize that it is unrealistic for things to fall back into place exactly how they were before.  Things are falling back into place, just not the places they used to be and it's taking everything in me to move them around and put them back where they started. 

Ugh.  Okay. I just needed to keep it real for a minute.  You know? 

We have some issues, some hurdles, and some surgeries coming up.  We'd appreciate any goodness, prayers, and love that you might be able to spare.

1 comment:

  1. It's hard to live in denial when life constantly slap you in the face and brings you back to reality, but try as often as you can to do just that....even if for 15 minutes an hour or a day depending on the day. I tried to journal the happy moments only for awhile, but there were days with little to few comments. I love you Julie and wish I could take the confused, muddled, hurt emotions away, but you know that's not going to happen, so practice denial often.