13 Pavements

Monday, October 17, 2011

Slowly, Slowly

Life, for the moment, has seemed to slow a little.  This last week has been downright delicious in what seems like an infinitely slower pace than what it has been in the last month.  We are in a blissful lull between appointments/treatment/surgeries and have been able to actually stay home for more than three days.  We have slowly been getting back into the swing of things, falling back into normal routines, and are trying to have some semblance of a normal life before we have to go back to Seattle and Livi has taken it all in stride.  

 For a long time, the Husband and I have been in the habit of watching Olivia sleep.  We creep into her room just before we go to bed, take turns stroking her little cheek, smoothing the hair off her face, and just watching her.   There is something so sweet and tender about the way she clutches her animals and the way she still makes little "hmmm" noises when she breathes.  Last night when we went in, we saw she had fallen asleep with her little hands clasped together.  Something about that made me cry, it evoked feelings that only a mother can have and understand, but is soemthing impossible to try to describe.
With my sister out of town, Liv has resumed the role as my travel buddy/co-worker.  Liv doesn't seem all too upset about it.

We haven't ventured out in public much, mostly due to Dr. W's instructions to avoid being around other kids and sick people.  But I would be lying if I said a small part of me wasn't afraid of taking her in public, especially without an eye patch (and she HATES to wear them).  Seeing her for the first time without her bandages after her surgery was one of the most crushing moments of my life.  There are no adequate words to describe that moment, so I'm not going to even try.  Since being home, the swelling has gone down and it looks considerably better than it did, and the Husband and I are comfortable with the way it looks.  But for those who haven't seen it, it is upsetting to see.  I'm afraid of the stares and the whispers.  I am.  And I feel terrible because of that.  It won't bother Olivia, but it will bother me.  And I hate that it will bother me.

It's this and so many other reasons that our (by "our" I mean Brandon and me) days are up and down.  We try to take our cues from Olivia and be positive and be happy.  But it's not always easy.  There is a heavy fear that plagues many of our conversations about how we are doing, what will happen, the future of our family,  what's next because there are so many variables in our situations that can, and will, dramatically change everything at any given time.  I cry a lot these days and my poor, sweet husband...I apologize to him constantly for my endless flood of tears that must surely be making him weary.  He just puts his hand on my cheek and tells me it's okay to be sad and then holds my hand while we fall asleep.

I was having a particularly hard day a few days ago.  My emotions had been getting the best of me.  I opened the washing machine to put a load in and found this little guy:

Stickers seem to be one of the main sources of joy for Livi these days and we find them stuck to our shoes, on our clothes, in my hair, in our bed...everywhere.  She gets positively gleeful when presented with a fresh sheet of stickers to peel and stick to her hearts content.  Every time I find one, it serves as a reminder to find happiness in the small things.  I love these small little reminders of what makes her happy, because her happy is my happy.  

So, for now, before the crazy, busy month November is promising to be and life gets turned upside down again, we are going to enjoy this small things.  Because some days, that's all you've got.

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful, warm and honest. That is what makes you a wonderful mom. All those feelings and worries are what make Liv the luckiest little girl around. To have a mom that does all the worrying and crying so she can be the happy kiddle she is. Keep up the good work. Stay strong.