I'm gonna go ahead and keep it real for just a minute.
Sometimes I don't think I really know who I am anymore. I don't say that to be all down in the dumps or wo-is-me-life-is-hard or anything. I think this is a sentiment a lot of moms share. Maybe not a lot, but I've had more than one conversation on this topic to know I'm not alone.
I don't even know how it happened. I just stopped one day when I was getting ready and just stared at myself in the mirror. I had lines on my face that weren't there before, the shape of my face was different, the curve of my hips didn't belong to me, and that hair! Definitely not mine. I didn't know this person. I didn't know what she liked or what she needed. It was all so..weird.
When I was younger, all I ever wanted was to get married and have some babies. I mean, it was ALL I wanted. And I got that! A good husband and sweet kids. But no one ever told me that in exchange for getting what I wanted, I'd lose myself in the process. I want to say I'm okay with that. I've had other women tell me they are okay with that. But truth is, I'm not. I used to draw and sketch, to write for fun, to read complicated books. I used to do more service. I used to bake. I used to have an interest in photography and had taken a few classes. I used to run and actually enjoy it. I used to fill my callings with more purpose. I used to be a better wife. I used to be a better friend. I used to be a better mom.
Now I feel like I am only parts of those things.
I've done a lot of thinking since then. This needs to change, and I am trying to change it. It's so much easier said than done. So much. Between husband, kids, and running our business I have very little time left to myself. But in the last couple months I've made use of that time by making sure that 1) I get in a good workout. And 2) I read my scriptures every day, even if it's just a few verses. I was doing those things before, but I have tried to focus my efforts. I work out harder, I pay attention more, and ask my husband questions when I don't understand. The result? I am about 26 lbs lighter (and counting) and feeling a little more enlightened. Have I found myself again? No. Not even close. But I'm moving in that direction.
I keep coming back to this talk, probably one of my favorite's of all time. Every woman needs to hear it and act on it. I am doing no favors to anyone in this house by feeling lost. I am more. I need to remind myself that I am. I need Livi to see that I am. I need my husband to see that I am. It's a hard thing to do, and finding that time is nearly impossible. But I'm going to find it. I'm going to go, do, create, and be. I owe it to myself.